the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
