I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
there was a trapeze. enough said
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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