I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
