I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
