I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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