The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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