We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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