who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
