her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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