Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
