I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Houston, we have a squirter
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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