I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
