so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
