I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
