3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
