So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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