i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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