No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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