I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
