awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
