I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
