I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It's rum buckets o'clock
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
