Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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