the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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