I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
