How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
