two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
