i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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