I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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