So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I want her autograph on my taint
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
