god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize