My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
