At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
