If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
