You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
