my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
