If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
