There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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