So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize