if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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