Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
do nipples grow back?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
