I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Randomize
