What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
