Your face is a jimmy john
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You have to summon your inner elephant
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
