my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
