I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
