just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
