i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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