If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
