my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
