Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
