did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
