Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
