help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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