i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
