Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
