It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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