My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
