remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize