dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
