When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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