Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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