On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh god it's open bar.
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