your parents love me but you hate me
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
