I just threw up on my dentist
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
