I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
