You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
