I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
