I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
