Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
