if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
