I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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