sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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